Just Why City Drivers Need Car Bombs

Harris Mungai By Harris Mungai, 20th Jan 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Reviews>Transport>Coaches & Buses

There is never a prouder moment than when we import eight-year-old cars from Japan that are alleged to have run 'only' 30,000km and christen them 'brand new'

Cars In Horrible Conditions

The Japs obviously don't drive much,or they are very good drivers because their eight-year-old cars arrive at the port in mint condition.But after barely one month on our roads,they resemble a pampered kitten that's just emerged from a battle with an alley cat.
They will be sctatched ,dented and multi-coloured,the result of collisions with cars driven by criminals,drunks and psychopaths.The resulting panel beating always goes wrong because the 'mechanic' who did the job is a quack working in cahoots with a shifty-eyed insurance agent.Six months down the line,most of those cars will be missing crucial parts.Pieces of plastics will he hanging from the underside of the car,the boot will not be smelling nice anymore and the windows will need to be pulled up with a bit of force.
Speakers and toolkit are always pinched by the guys at the car wash when we dump the car with them and dash into the pub.The car stereo goes when we park on the streets and vanish into a building for an errand while side mirrors are ripped off right before our eyes.

Second-hand Cars

But these are pretty thieves.The real toughies just fling you out of your car like a sack of potatoes and drive off into the neighbouring countries barely a month after you bought the car using a hefty loan from a bank.And that is when you are lucky.Most are not averse to blowing off your head.I just don't think we are too realistic with this second-hand car business.First lets stop pretending that we can drive around with side mirrors and parking lights.These,and the steering wheel,should be made detachable so that the moment we park,we unscrew them and store them in the boot.
I bet you're thinking, this guy is an idiot.If they can steal the car,what makes him think they can't open the boot? That question leads me to an even more fundamental lapse.We need to stop dreaming that we can secure cars using alarms,tracking systems and whatnot.I mean,when armed thugs are ready to kill to steal cars,it makes no sense to treat them with kids' gloves.I say we demand that all second-hand car imports must be booby-trapped.The moment the bad fellas try to pry open your boot to steel side mirrors and steering wheels,let a grenade explode and rip their innards into a thousand bits.
There is a huge possibility that the grenade could kill you as well,but just pretend you're a suicide bomber and 72 virgins await you in heaven with open arms well before the chief government pathologist is done with your remains.By the way,if only employers embraced unemployed graduates with the same excitement that men run around giggling virgins!

A Matatu Derby

Iam sitting at a cyber cafe as I type this article at sunset.Outside matatus are creating a racket that could raise the dead. And since street touts have been in the picture lately,although I know everybody complaims about touts as louts,here is my 88 cents on the eight ways these folks many urbanites love to hate are wannabes.
Matatu touts are wannabe street pastors.You can see this from the way they scream and shout at customers and at their clientele at bus stops.It is like they want to convert you into their route.They will bully and cajole all and sundry in their path,and almost threaten a person with hellfire if you don't get into their PSV.Matatu guys are wannabe seducers of the ladies.From school girls to married women,they see them all and often times from their 'wassup cutie', their motives are as clear as spring water,never mind their intentions are as dirty as ditch water.Too bad for them the late minister for transport put them in purple uniforms that took away their outlaw swag,and few city girls are interested in free rides.

Drivers Are Wannabes Too

Many matatu drivers are wannabe DJs.Otherwise how would one explain the ear-drum-splitting decibels that they play their music at? It is like some of them,with their mix CDs compilation and that horrid raggamuffin music wish they had gone to some deejayimg school.You alight from the vehicle and all you want is to go to a school for the deaf.
Then matatu drivers all want to be Lewis Hamilton,going by the way they drive their vehicles.They careen round corners,bear down on other road users,spin around bends,and so on,until a soul wants to scream in fear.Yes,the president should organise a matatu derby in Abu Dhabi and the winning matatu gets to take a selfie with him.
On the light side,matatu touts are wannabe comedians.From the way some of them dress in outlandish garb,to the garbage that spews out of their mouths,especially directed at passengers who want to pay less fare or engage in verbal spats,they can be hilarious.Then again,especially when confronted with the infamous squaddies who extort money from them at certain stages,matatu tours become wannabe warriors very fast.They can fight and easily engage in fistcuffs,and the sight of a sullen tout with a swollen lip lisping for fare is not too uncommon.


Perhaps KDF can recruit some some of the best matatu fighters into the militia to go and fight Al-Shabaab in Somalia.That way we will not have anymore scenes of terror attacks,thanks to our touts.
If a flood was to cover the city in water,you would know matatu touts are wannabe Noah's.From the way,when given a leeway especially in-out of the way routes,they pack passengers like sardines in seven aside vehicles,you can tell they would easily pack every animal in the area into the matatu.Once in a different town of Kakamega,I saw people and goats inside a matatu,with chickens tied to bunches of bananas on its roof.
Lastly,matatu people are wannabe linguistics.They invented 'sheng' to confuse the traffic police,and still spin that lingua franca in ways that truly boggle and bedazzle,leaving city residents tongue tied.


Driving, Driving Etiquette, Driving Safety Tips

Meet the author

author avatar Harris Mungai
I developed an interest in writing when I was in elementary school and since then this passion keeps on burning in me.Thank you Wikinut for this chance to express myself here.

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author avatar GenkiWorld
20th Jan 2015 (#)

my inlaws all got skylines from japan from a buddy, the car's were trsh and within a month are were useless and they paid so much for them.

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author avatar Harris Mungai
20th Jan 2015 (#)

What! That is what normally happens,thank GenkiWorls for shariimg your comment here.

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
20th Jan 2015 (#)

Interesting post!

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author avatar Carol Roach
21st Jan 2015 (#)

I don't even know how to drive and I am almost 60 years old

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author avatar Harris Mungai
21st Jan 2015 (#)

Thank you Fern,you're really an encouragement.

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author avatar Harris Mungai
21st Jan 2015 (#)

Carol are you for real..????
Alright,but there must be a way you get to move around?

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